Instant Message

I had to make it tow posts bc it is so long. Hopefully it isnt too long for you all to read it! feedback is appreciated!

This is a story about a fifteen year old girl. Her name is Lily. Lily felt like everyone in the world was against her. She felt like her world was falling apart. She was crying all the time; she felt angry feelings toward everyone, she didn’t want to live anymore. Lily didn’t understand why no-one understood her. She fell into this deep depression and her parents became worried. They begged her to tell them what was wrong, when she finally gave up and told them, she told them something that made them angry, and sad.

Lily wasn’t very popular in school, but she was very beautiful. She had blonde hair, wore a size zero, and had green eyes. Green eyes are very rare and a lot of people want them. Lily always dressed in style and kept up with the latest fashion. She was also into boys. And boys were into her.

Lily decided that it would be best to be in her own bedroom when she told her parents her story. Her story went a little bit like this; “Mom, Dad, I don’t want you to be mad at me when I tell you this. Please don’t interrupt me, just let me finish before you talk. I guess it was like three months ago when it all started. There was this guy named Matthew Greene, he was and still is the hottest guy in class, anyway, he asked me out on a date. I know that I am supposed to ask you before I go on a date and that you have to chaperone me, but I didn’t want to be embarrassed in front of him by having you guys come. So I decided to go.” Her mother said; “So that is why you are so depressed? You went on a date without us? That is no reason to go moping for months at a time!” Lily chimed in, “Mom let me finish! Remember that you said that I could finish my story before you go talking and making assumptions!”
“Sorry Lily. Finish your story.” Replied Lily’s mother, Alice.
“Okay, thank you. Anyway, I told you that I was spending the night at Amber’s, well I was going to, but I was going to go on the date first. Amber was in on it and planned to cover for me if you called. I felt really guilty but I didn’t let it take over like I have before. Although I felt really guilty I went to Amber’s house. I told Matthew that I would be over there so he could pick me up and drop me off there. When Matt pulled up I almost threw up. I had the phone in my hands and I was going to ask you to come and get me to take me to my date. Amber talked me out of it like I asked her too.” Lily hesitated to go on.
“Lily, your mother and I wont be mad at you. We want you to tell us anything.” Her father Adam tried to calm her down, when Lily answered, “Yeah, but dad you don’t understand. The story gets worse. Okay? Please stop interrupting me! Anyway, I went on the date. I had an awesome time. The best time that I have ever had on a date. He dropped me off at Amber’s, but we sat in the car and talked for a while. He started to kiss me. I felt really weird like I do now telling you all this. Anyway, then we started making out. But it got a little out of control. He took me into the backseat. You probably can guess what happened.”
“No, no-one would ever do that to you!”
“Well he did Mom.” Lily started to cry. It didn’t last more than ten seconds. “After yelling numerous times for him to stop Amber finally came out and threatened to call the cops. I was so scared. I wasn’t protected in any of it. Amber calmed me down and said that we are going to report him. We did the next day. The officers wanted to talk to you but we asked to keep it confidential. They did after about an hour of Amber and I pleading to do so.”
“So Lily, what you are saying is that he did the worst possible to you. Did he go to jail? And why do you still think that he is hot?”
“Dad I know. I liked him for his looks. I tried to get over what happened. And I did. Yes, he did go to jail. In fact, he is still in Juvie now. So like a month ago I started to get worried that I was pregnant. I shared my concern with Amber and she took a pregnancy test from her mom. I took the test and tested positive. I was so scared. I went to the free clinic after school the next day. I told them that I was pregnant by an unfortunate experience and they called the local police department to confirm. So they aborted the baby. I was so upset because that night I had a dream that I had a baby girl and I named her Avanna Rose. Now how pretty is that! Anyway, I felt so guilty. And I am so very sorry that I have kept it from you this long.”
Her father replied, “Yes Lily I am very upset for you not coming to us but I feel for you. But if only you have come to us then I wouldn’t be as upset as I am. Now your mother and I have to go discuss your punishment.”

With that Lily’s dad, Adam, walked out of the room with her mother sobbing by his side. They were moved by Lily’s story but still very angry at her. All Lily could do was cry. She cried and cried until she had no more tears to cry. Even then she cried a very dry cry. After about four hours her parents came into the room to give her a punishment.

Lily’s mom was so sad that her father felt very guilty to give Lily a cruel punishment. All they did to her was ground her for two months. Lily thanked them and went to sleep.

Lily woke up the next day. She was very hungry and could smell pancakes. Lily and her sister, Nicole, used to make pancakes for her parents every Saturday morning. It brought back the memories of her sister. Lily decided that she was going to face her parents and go eat breakfast.

When Lily entered the kitchen her mom smiled and said ‘Good morning,’ but her dad never said a word. Lily sat down and ate a huge stack of pancakes. To her surprise Lily still felt very depressed. I guess it came from her father not speaking to her when they have a full blown conversation every morning. Lily had tried to stir up a conversation but nothing worked. She felt as if she were being shunned or something terrible like that. Even her mom tried to get him to talk. Nothing would make him speak.

After eating eight pancakes Lily went back to her room and fell asleep. She had this dream re-enacting what happened the night that she got pregnant and what had happened resulting from that night. But in her dream she kept the baby, and yes, she named it Avanna Rose. But when Avanna was only one year old she died in her sleep. Lily woke up in a cold sweat. She wanted to cry but just then her mother walked in. “Hi Lily.” Her mother said.
“Hi mom.”
“Are you okay? You don’t seem yourself this morning.”
“Yeah I am fine, I just had a bad dream just now that is all.”
“Okay. Well your father and I are going to the mall we will be gone for hours. Would you like to come?”
“No thanks. I rather just stay here.”
“Are you sure? We are leaving now but we can wait for you to get ready.”
“Yeah, I’m sure. I might get on the computer and get on IM since I haven’t done that since the ‘incident’ you know?”
“Okay. Well I love you and I will see you later.”
“Love you too Mom.”

As Alice walked out of the room Lily waited for the front door to close. When it closed she looked out her window to make sure that her parents had driven away. When she was talking to her mother she decided that everyone would be better off if she were dead. So Lily wanted to hang herself. She had set up a rope and was ready to go. She wanted to say bye to Amber before she did anything stupid. So she called Amber. The phone was busy and Lily knew that could only mean one thing, that Amber was on the computer. So Lily decided that she would get on the computer one last time.


When Lily signed onto her instant messaging Amber instantly popped her a message.

Amber_Grace_101: hey girl!
Green_Eyed: Hey. =/
Amber_Grace_101: you havent been on in while.
Green_Eyed: I know. sorry about that. =/
Amber_Grace_101: whats wrong?
Green_Eyed: i told my parents about what happened between me and matt and the baby
Amber_Grace_101: awe. i am so sorry! = [ is there anything that i can do?
Green_Eyed: promise me one thing …
Amber_Grace_101: ohkay … is it bad?
Green_Eyed: no but promise me you wont try to talk me out of anything?
Green_Eyed: even if i ask you to talk me out of something, dont do it!
Green_Eyed: PLEASE!!!!
Green_Eyed: I AM BEGGING YOU AMBER!
Amber_Grace_101: ohkay … i will try my best.
Amber_Grace_101: that is only a half promise
Green_Eyed: ohkay … i am going to commit suicide!
Amber_Grace_101: NO NO AND NO!
Amber_Grace_101: i am not going to let you do that!
Amber_Grace_101: not now, not ever!
Green_Eyed: i asked you NOT to talk me out of it
Amber_Grace_101: remember when we were like 10 and we made a promise to each other to never let the other one do anything stupid?
Green_Eyed: yeah … ?
Amber_Grace_101: well this is the time when you do something stupid
Green_Eyed: well, i am not about to do anything stupid
Green_Eyed: killing myself will be better off for everyone else in the world
Amber_Grace_101: you know what? go ahead … do it
Amber_Grace_101: but remember … iloveyou!
Amber_Grace_101: always and forever!
Green_Eyed: iloveyou too amber! =/
Green_Eyed: dont miss me too much!
Amber_Grace_101: i cant let you do this! never ever!
Amber_Grace_101: is there anything i could do to talk you out of it?
Amber_Grace_101: i am crying my eyeballs out right now. please dont do it!
Green_Eyed: i have too amber. there is nothing else i can do.
Amber_Grace_101: can i atleast come over and give you one last hug?
Green_Eyed: i guess so … but dont take your good old time you hear?
Amber_Grace_101: loud and clear. but promise me that you will do nothing stupid until i get there?
Green_Eyed: i promise. just hurry up before i decide too!
Amber_Grace_101: i will be right over. stay put!
*Amber_Grace_101 has signed off*

Not even ten seconds after Amber signed off, a box popped up on Lily’s screen.
“Dont_Do_It” has sent you a message, would you like to accept?
Lily was a little confused but she accepted.

Wow, what a moving story.

I'll review it some more later, right now, I have to go.

Edit:
This one was very well-developed and also very realistic. I haven't personally known anyone who committed suicide, but it's nonetheless realistic.
I see no major problems. The IM conversation could be a little less refined, though: feel free to use chatspeak like it's a real conversation.

wow that was great it sounds like my friend mandi........wow thats really weird as i read parts over again wow a lil to freaky lol

Alanna - Thank you! I have been working on this story for over 3 months now so I was excited when you said that it was realistic! That is what I was going for!

Jill - Thank you! Wow. That is a little freaky!

yeah cause she has green eyes and feels hated and alone (like me) and i told her one day if she killed herself i wanted to do it with her but i dont want to die at the moment and weve been the depressed twins ever since lol

Awe. I dont want you to die! I based this on a story that someone told me about their friend. But not entirly all of it.

I think that story was amazing!!! The only thing I would change is maybe make her parents reaction a little different. I just think in real life most parents would be a whole lot more upset. I mean they don't have to give her some extremely harsh punishment, but maybe just make them seem a little more distressed, ya know? That's the only problem I see with it though.

Oh and this is just an idea, but maybe instead of saying "Then Lily told Amber she had changed her mind." you could use dialogue. It might make a good ending. But it's your story and either way it is greattt!!!!

Thank you Kristi! That was great feedback.

a great friend told me not to and how rong it was shes 26 and tried commiting suicide every day of her life from age 13-15 she was too chicken luckily then she met a good friend and stopped trying so she saved me

Awe. Thats sweet. Its nice to have someone to turn to like that! I have a lady who i can turn too in my life. =]